Talk - Charity Never Faileth - October 2011

Charity never faileth is the beginning of 1 Cor 13:8.  Leading up to that statement is a description of what charity is.  Charity is another word for the Love of Jesus Christ.  So, love never fails or ends.  Really what we are saying is The Love of Jesus Christ is Eternal. 

4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things

When I started to think about this talk the first thing that came to mind was how we treat our children.  Of course we all love our children with all of our hearts, but do we always show that to them?  I know I don’t.  I get frustrated and yell.  Sometimes I yell when it’s not even the kids I’m frustrated with. 

I was reminded of a story that I read on a homeschooling blog written by a dad who was a preacher and wanted to shelter his children from the world as much as possible.

“When my oldest son was almost 16 we let him get his first job washing dishes at a restaurant managed by a Christian friend of ours. As diehard shelterers we wrestled with whether or not our son was ready to enter the world's workforce. We knew we couldn't shelter him forever, and so finally concluded that he should be old enough to send into the world two nights a week. What we didn't realize was that he would be working with drug-using, tattooed, partiers, and our Christian friend was never scheduled to work our son's shift.

Within a month it became apparent that our son's new work associates were having an effect on him. He came home one evening and asked, "Dad, can I dye my hair blue?" After my wife was finally able to peal me off the ceiling, I laid into him, reminding him whose son he was, and that I would not have people at church telling their children not to be like the pastor's son. I explained that just because he wanted to use washable dye, it didn't make me any happier. (Note that my intense reaction had to do with "outward appearances" and the impact on me.)

Of course, my wife and I immediately began to evaluate whether we had made a mistake by letting him take the job. After an intense discussion we decided to coach him more carefully and let him keep his job.

Two months later he came home from work and asked me if he could pierce his ear. Again, my wife had to peal me off the ceiling. He thought it might be okay since he wanted a cross earring -- like I was supposed to be happy, because it would be a "sanctified" piercing. If that wasn't enough, he also wanted to get a tattoo! But it was going to be okay, because it would be a Christian tattoo!

As I was looking back on this experience several years later, something my son said shortly after he started his job kept coming back to me. When I picked him up the second night of work, he got in the car with a big smile on his face and said "They like me!" As I dwelt on that comment, it suddenly came clear to me - my son had finally met someone who liked him for who he was. Few others in his entire life had shown him much acceptance, especially not his mother and I. It is no exaggeration - in our efforts to shape and improve him, all we did was find fault with everything he did. We loved him dearly, but he constantly heard from us that what he did (who he was) wasn't good enough. He craved our approval, but we couldn't be pleased. Years later, I realized he had given up trying to please us when he was 14, and from then on he was just patronizing us.

The reason our son wanted to adorn himself like his work associates, was because they accepted him for who he was. He wanted to fit in with those who made him feel significant. He wanted to be like those who gave him a sense of identity. The problem wasn't one that could be solved by extended sheltering - he could have been sheltered until he was 30 and he still would have been vulnerable. The problem was that we had sent our son into the world insecure in who he was. He went into the world with a hole in his heart that God had wanted to fill through his parents.

Whether believer or unbeliever, those young people who are least tempted to follow the crowd are those who are secure in themselves and don't need the approval of others.”

We need to make sure that we let our kids know about all the good things they are doing.  I was reading a book where the parent of a drug addicted young adult decided to focus only on his positive traits.  She said at first she could only think of one thing…  Her son came home late at night obviously under the influence of something.  She looked at him, and said, “Good breathing son”.  Surely our kids are doing more than just breathing well! 

Small children, under the age of 3 or 4 don’t even understand the negatives in a sentence.  While they may understand “NO!” they generally don’t understand when you say “don’t run” or “don’t jump on the couch”.  They truly do not process the word “don’t”, and that’s why they may grin at you and do exactly what you told them not to.  They heard “run” instead of “don’t run” or “jump on the couch” instead of “don’t jump on the couch”.  They thought you were just being a really fun mom.  Imagine their surprise when they are then further reprimanded.  We need to tell our toddlers and preschoolers what we DO expect them to do “Please walk” or “Please sit on the couch”, then when they do those things we need to let them know what a great job they are doing.  I think for people who got into this habit with small children it is easier to keep it up with the older kids.  “I just love the way you sit so quietly during Sacrament Meeting.”  Or “Thank you for helping with you little sister, you did a wonderful job”

I know my mom was very difficult to please when I was a kid.  She had lots of rules about the way things had to be done like folding towels.  Did you know that towels have a right side and a wrong side?  Well, they do, according to my mother.  First, you must find the tag and fold it to the inside, and the first fold must be the long direction, then you fold it in half the short way, then fold it in half again the short way.  I was just too short to fold a towel the long way first…  However, every time I folded the towels wrong, my mother would heave a heavy sigh, unfold all the towels and say, “I’ll just do it myself”.

Of course, I too, am critical, and being critical is NOT showing the love of Jesus Christ.  I have learned a valuable lesson about keeping my critiques to myself.  I’m sure that many of you have heard that people have different Love Languages.  I give things to people, but my husband does acts of service to show love.  That’s great because I hate housework!  When he’s feeling particularly loving, he’ll clear the dinner table and load the dishwasher.  Now, I fully enjoy having the dishes washed without my having to do it, BUT I often feel that I could do a better job.  I know just how to load the dishwasher so it is at maximum capacity.  I can almost always get all the dishes in, and if not it’s usually just one big pot or pan that is no big deal to wash by hand.  Sometimes Pete will put 3 big pots and pans in the dishwasher along with some silverware and call it good, leaving 20 plastic cups and bowls in the sink…  A few times I decided to share my organizational knowledge with him and tell him how he could do a better job.  He walked away!  And he didn’t offer to do the dishes again for weeks!  Now I keep my mouth shut and just run a second load of dishes later…

If “Charity Never Faileth” is really going to be a motto in our lives we have to focus on seeing the good in people, especially in our own family. 

President Thomas S. Monson said, “Charity is having patience with someone who has let us down. It is resisting the impulse to become offended easily. It is accepting weaknesses and shortcomings. It is accepting people as they truly are. It is looking beyond physical appearances to attributes that will not dim through time. It is resisting the impulse to categorize others.”

A few years ago there was a knock on our door in the evening.  When I peered through the peephole, I didn’t recognize the person but I decided to answer the door anyway.  On our porch stood a very disheveled man.  He asked if this was the policeman’s house.  I said, “no, he lives next door, but can I help you?”  This man was mentally challenged, and he’d gotten lost while taking a walk.  He knew it would soon be dark and he wanted to get home.  I asked if he knew his address and he provided one that didn’t sound too far away.  So, I asked Pete to drive him home.  Well, the address he gave wasn’t right…  He told Pete he lived close to the mall, so Pete headed toward Eastland Mall, but the man didn’t recognize anything and he was starting to get scared.  Then they tried Washington Square Mall (which is a lot closer to our house), and eventually found his apartment complex.  Turns out if he’d gone half a block further west and turned south instead of north, he would have been home.  Pete and I felt so good to have helped this helpless man whose name turns out to be Jimmy Carter.  What if he’d knocked on another door and been refused or hurt?  God definitely led him to the right place!  I’m not sure even our policeman next-door neighbor would have been as accommodating and patient as Pete was.

So, to sum up:  show the Love of Jesus Christ to you family and don’t be critical, make sure your children know all the good things about themselves, and be a good example for others.  If you see someone who needs help DO something.